CPO Calculator
Cost Per Orgasm · A Data-Driven Guide to Situationships
For your eyes only (and the group chat) Report No. —

You track your steps, sleep, & portfolio.
Nobody has ever run the numbers on your love life.

Somehow you spent $1,200, 37 hours, and two emotional-support brunches on someone who said "let's play it by ear." Let's find out what that actually cost you.

Short on time? The 60-second version →

This is a comedy calculator, not therapy, financial advice, or a court-admissible document. Please don't sue your ex with a screenshot. Nothing you enter leaves your browser.

Who are we talking about01

Protect the guilty. Or not.

Optional but revealing.
We'll do the math. Quietly.
Add their photo. It stays on your device — we never see it, store it, or want it.
The scorecard02

Rate them honestly. They'll never know.

5
5
5
5
5
The money03

Count the times — we'll estimate the damage. If you actually remember what something cost, you can override it. Your bank remembers either way.

3
Hair, wax, outfit planning, the gym arc — all of it. Especially the parts they never noticed.
Leave blank and we judge on money alone. Fill it in and every wasted hour gets billed to them.
The time04

The one thing you can't get back. Let's count it anyway.

Optional. We'll assume 3 if you leave it blank.
Your group chat's unpaid labor.
The emotional damage05

Rate it honestly. We can tell when you're coping.

5
1 = crystal clear · 10 = a riddle wrapped in a mixed signal
5
1 = peaceful · 10 = your life became a limited series
5
1 = effortless · 10 = you were their unpaid therapist
5
1 = calm · 10 = checked their last-seen at 3am
The payoff06

The part you scrolled here for.

The denominator. Be honest — we can tell when you round up.
5
5
5
A great story can redeem up to 30% of the damage. Those are the rules.
The red flags07

Check everything that applies. You already know.

For science08

Totally optional and anonymous — this just helps us learn things like which country has the worst CPO. Skip it freely.

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The results
Exhibit A

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Final grade
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Cost per orgasm
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Hours spent per orgasm
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Chaos index
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Effort index
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Emotional ROI
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Monthly burn
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Red flag multiplier
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You rated them
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The verdict

Our advice

CPO Calculator is a comedy tool for self-reflection. It is not therapy, financial advice, relationship counseling, or proof that your friends were right — even though they probably were. Nothing you enter, including photos, ever leaves your browser.

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Cost Per Orgasm
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